Mama, Fun, pool, friends

Had I cut him off, as I am prone to do, I would have missed our moment. But this time, when he called “mama” I said “yes, my baby” and he said “Mama, fun, pool, kids” and I melted, right then and there. To anyone else, even my husband, it was a sweet exchange of words. To me, it was the answer, the validation, the moment for which I had been looking for more than two years. I was a mother, his mama, and I was good at it. Even better, I was able to enjoy being home with him and see him appreciate life.

I am an exceedingly impatient person and have been known to sigh and tap my foot when made to wait in a line or for an answer. Getting a toddler to move at my pace, with my focus, had become my greatest challenge. Because I am home with him, all day, every day, my challenge had led to great frustration. Even though technically I am the boss and I am in charge, rarely do I get my way or even end up getting to where I had hoped I would be. My list driven task oriented self had met its match in his thirty pound frame. For reasons that will always escape me, certain things were simply not acceptable in his young mind and therefore would not happen without a tantrum, an instant distraction, or a complete misunderstanding. But today, for no reasons other than I did not cut him off, it ended differently.

I had explained that we were going to go to the big pool to meet the kids. First he threw a fit because he wanted to play with the sprinkler in the backyard, then he thought we were going to the pool ‘at Mark’s house’, our neighbor. I was firm in my resolve, because I was hosting this shindig; If we did not go, the plans of seven other moms and their children would be ruined. As I lay across his wriggling and freakishly strong body, attempting to strap him into his car seat, I asked myself for the bagillionth time “Why in HELL are you staying home with him?” I love my son, dearly, greatly, with all of me. I love being a mother too. But being a stay-at-home-mom, the verdict was still out on that one. I seemed to lack the ease, self-confidence, PATIENCE and open mind essential to spending your time helping a mini-Neanderthal develop. I questioned if someone else, someone who did not take things personally, who could see the big picture, may be better at taking care of my son during the day. I wondered if I was one of those moms who stays home because she should, but would be better fit to be at work. I wondered if I would find more satisfaction, more peace, if I had less face time with my son. My husband worked, hard and many hours, and it had not seemed to weaken his relationship with Dylan. In fact, they seemed to be closer and have a much less contentious relationship with each other than Dylan and I ever had.

So today, when I was putting him down for a nap, I thought he was procrastinating as he always does. He asks for more milk, another story, for me to sing. He shows me the bears on the border on his walls, the balloons above his crib. I usually answer his “mama” with a ‘sweet dreams, Dylan’ but today, I chose to listen to what he had to say.